For those of you that don’t know, I live in the booming metropolis of Anderson. I’ve been there for about a year, maybe a little over, and I still have no idea where I live or how to get anywhere. I have absolutely refused to become acclimated with my surroundings and rely on my TomTom to get me to the grocery store, laundry mat, and Petsmart. Judge me if you will, but I cannot bring myself to know the lay of the land where the following things are considered socially acceptable: sweatpants as real pants, TV as a babysitter, and hair brushing as optional.
The following tidbits are completely true. Yes, I know I should move. Believe me. I KNOW.
1. The kids who live on/around my street can be classified as ‘hood rats’. They have nothing better to do with their time than stand in their yard and fight each other. I’m talking ‘punch me as hard as you can, I want to see blood’ kind of fighting. They also jump up and down on car hoods and tops, cat-call 12 year-olds, and try to do neat tricks with their bicycles and skateboards. The only neat trick that has been successfully executed involves face and pavement.
One such hood rat bit it, and bit it HARD, during a taping of Teen Mom. Yes, Amber and Gary were my neighbors until they moved a few months ago. Anyway, they were filming on the front porch/yard and this kid thought he would show his sweet moves to America and peddled as hard as his hood rat legs would allow. He gained momentum, went into the air for the jump, and landed on his face. The camera crew did not even blink and kept rolling. Heartless, yes. Awesome, most assuredly.
2. According to the boyfriend, the world record holder for DUIs lives down my street. I’ve met him actually; he is older, keen on plaid, always pleasant, always drunk, and frequently wanders the streets looking for, what I can only assume is, his car. The real question here is: HOW DOES THIS MAN STILL HAVE A CAR/LISCENSE WHEN HE HAS HAD OVER 40 DUIs (according to the boyfriend)? How is that legal?
Whenever I walk my dog he is sitting on the porch waiting for me to pass. He asks slurs at me if I’d like a Coke and to have a little chat; I always pass but maybe this week I will say ‘Okay’. I’ve also seen him blow $20 on the ice cream man and buy ice cream for all the kids on the street, so I believe at his core he is not a bad man. A little wasted, yes, but harmless all the same.
3. Since moving in … the neighbor’s car was stripped of all electrical equipment, my driver’s sideview mirror has been TORN OFF, and the boyfriend’s gas cap was stolen after an entire tank of gas was syphoned. I’m also pretty sure I found a makeshift crack pipe in the parking lot near my apartment. My dog has been attacked by not one, not two, but THREE different dogs. (In case you are worried — she owned all of them). Don’t let her sweet face fool you — she is hood rich (na na na na na na).
4. Last but not least, I have seen the following things from my window/porch/in my nightmares:
- A boy on a bike holding up a (drunk) adult on a moped. He was so drunk he couldn’t drive his moped home. At first I thought it was ridiculous; then I stepped back and realized how sad it was; in all probability it was probably his son picking him up from the bar.
- A man dressed from head to toe in yellow wearing five magnifying glasses around his neck with hair like Doc from Back to the Future.
- Children playing house ON MY PORCH which actually means putting a baby doll into a baby stroller and pushing it into the street when cars come and watching them swerve to miss what they concieve to be an actual little human.
- A family (I am talking 4 people at least) joy riding around the block in what appears to be one of those cars you ride around the track at King’s Island or Holiday World. It’s as loud as a go-cart and takes up the entire sidewalk.
Ah, home sweet home.